I haven’t figured out if it was my alarm or the comment notification that set my phone to vibrating at 3:30 A.M. Either way, the comment is what got me blogging. The comment was on Facebook (www.facebook.com), from an old friend, Brian Davis: Your blog site sounds like the name of a trendy restaurant. My reply? Eat it.
I don’t think anyone was left howling at their computer, or wherever they take their Facebook. But it made me smile. And then I remembered something I used to do (and I think I’ll start doing it again.) When I was a senior in high school (and on through my first year of college), I kept a record of humorous exchanges. Some were via Instant Message (when AOL/AIM ruled the internet), and some were verbal. For whatever reason, they all stuck with me long enough to make it onto a little text document, which has survived through a laptop, desktop, laptop, external hard drive.
Whether you find these exchanges hilarious, amusing, barely funny, or outright offensive, it says something about their personal value to me that I’ve kept them for this long. After all, I don’t buy sunglasses that cost more than ten dollars because my current record for keeping them is (no kidding) one month.
So, if you were a friend, your name may appear somewhere in this list. If you want it removed, just tell me (your name, not the conversation- that’s mine, you can’t have it). If you were part of the conversation, and something about it has changed (as in, my memory “edited” it), let me know (leave a comment). If you have something funny to add to this, leave me a comment or shoot me an email; I’d like to add to the list.
Personal Experience with Kids Says...
12/18/2009
Daddy: “Riley, what are you going to ask Santa for, for Christmas?”
Riley: “A plane!”
Daddy: “Way to think big, Riley!”
Riley: “Thanks, Daddy!”
Daddy: “Kate, what are you going to ask Santa for?”
Kate: “A candy cane with a hook!”
Daddy: “You should ask for something bigger.”
Kate: “A BIGGER candy cane with a BIGGER hook!”
Daddy: “Good call, Kate.”
“Daddy, you got spider webs in your nose?” – Kate, age 3, while looking up my nose
“Okay, girls, when we get home, we’re going to have white pudding, then put on our pajamas, then go to sleep.”
“We gonna have white pudding, then ice cweeeeam, then pajamas, then go to sleep.”
“No, baby, no ice cream. White pudding, pajamas, sleep.”
“White pudding, ice cweeeeeeam, pajamas, go to sleep.”
“We’re not having ice cream, Riley.”
“Mommy, you wanna have ice cweeeeeam with us?”
- Keli & Riley, age 3, on the way home one night. White Pudding is their term for Cool Whip. Ice cweeeeam is the Holy Grail.
Personal Experience in College Says...
“Do you know exactly how to get where we’re going?”
“No. Not exactly.”
“Well, you’re going awfully fast for someone who’s almost lost.”
“We’re going to get there or we’re going to get lost, but we’re going to get somewhere quickly.”
- N. Pearson/J. Rutherford
“Where’s Tommy and Marshall?”
“In the bathroom.” (R. Eakon)
“Oh. Where’s my camera?”
“In the bathroom.”
<Tommy and Marshall return>
“Where’s my camera?”
“Oh, here it is. Let me know what the lady who develops these says.” (T. Adams)
- J. Rutherford/R. Eakon/T. Adams
“What is your point today, if i might ask?”
“Today? There is no point.”
“Geez.”
“There’s never a point. There is only a line with no end. We are still on the line, travelling. God help us if we ever have a point.”
“You frustrate me.”
“Thank you.”
- M. Hullet/ J. Rutherford
“Its true.” -JeNN Roberts (she said this probably more than I have ever said anything; I hope she copyrighted it.)
“Hey Matt, why werent you at work today?”
“I’ve got a lot of midterms coming up. School is more important than work.
“So what are you doing right now?”
“Oh, me and Marshall are washing the car.”
- T.Adams/M.Hagewood
“Hey Jocko!! We’re going to Knoxville this weekend, wanna go?”
“I have to work Saturday till two.”
“We’re leaving Friday night. Just quit for the weekend.
“I cant do that, I need the money!”
<weekend passes>
“Jocko, what did you do last weekend?”
“Got fired.”
-T.Adams/J.Meeks
“Ammodium AD: It’s like pouring concrete into your butthole.” - M. Bellamy
“Intramurals are like Golf and Sex; you don’t have to be good to enjoy it.” - M. Bellamy
“I hate it when people in positions of small authority act like they’re gods.”
“I call that the ‘Bus Driver Complex’.”
- C. Morris/ M. Bellamy
“How are you doing?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“No. I really want you to say ‘Fine.’, then let’s get on to the meal and the tip.”
- Unknown Waiter & Girl
“No! If anyone’s going down in here, it’s me!” - J. Rutherford
“Listen to what this retarded b**** did at work…”
“You shouldn’t call her that.”
“Alright. Listen to what this mongoloid b**** did at work…”
- Guy & JeNN Roberts at a party
“You’re so weird. I sometimes want to spend a day inside your mind, just to see what it’s like.” - J. Roberts to J. Rutherford
“When you act like a moron, stupid things happen to you.” – J. Rutherford
Personal Experience from High School Says...
“It’s hard to be serious when you’re naked; it’s hard to be naked when
you’re serious.” -C. Christian
“You can depend on me! After all, I did get Most Dependable. So, out of everyone, I would be most likely to remember to give you a ride!”
“Oh yeah? I got Most Outgoing, so if you had forgotten me, I would have been most likely to go out of my way to kick your ass!”
-J.Rutherford/A. Ferrell
“Can I bring in an electric fence for show-and-tell?” -M. Biter
“I’m here to talk about Albert Einstein. Let me begin by saying that he was the son of his mother and father.” -D. Herndon
“Pepsi has been misspelling “Coke” for years.” -M. Biter
“The WonderBra is obvious. Some things just aren’t that perky.” - J. Rutherford
“I was going to write that, but it’s too long.” - D. Herndon
“Mrs. Travis was better than Mrs. Hunt.”
“Sexually or academically?”
“… Academically.”
-B. Davis/ J. Rutherford
“Those girls are hot, man!”
“Uh, I think that’s their mom, so I’m pretty sure they’re 12!”
- M. Hagewood/ J. Rutherford
“You’re gay.”
“I can’t help it. You’re contagious!”
- J. Rutherford/ M. Biter
“They’re all going to laugh at you.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”
- J. Rutherford/ C. Fisher
“Sweet Jesus! Some pyromaniac laced the place with dynamite!” - C. Fisher
“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!” - C. Fisher (this one’s funny to two people: myself, and C. Fisher)
Personal Experience with Thaxton Says...
Thaxton gets his own area, because… well, you’ll see.
“There is the real root, the fake root, the 1st root, the 3rd root and the root of all evil, which does not exist (DNE).” -J. Thaxton
“Calculus has taught me only one thing: Find a unit circle. It will solve everything. If you don’t have one, make one.” -J. Thaxton
” You know why it wouldn’t go in, don’t you?”
“El- Nino?”
“Exactly.”
- C. Christian/ J. Thaxton
“I’m getting a break away tux for the Prom.”
“I’m going to go over here, now, and pretend you didn’t just verbally rape my imagination.”
-J. Thaxton/J. Rutherford
“Did you hear about the 42 page physiology assignment? Last week they were bragging that it was an easy class.”
“Yeah, I couldn’t stop laughing either.”
-J. Thaxton/ J. Rutherford
“Calculus is ‘Greek’ to me.”
“It is ‘geek’ to me.”
-J. Thaxton/ J. Rutherford
“A mind is a terrible thing… and must be stopped in our lifetime.” –J. Thaxton’s revised NAACP creed
“Do I need to pull it out right here and prove how big it is?”
“Please, you’ve caused too many people enough pain and suffering.”
- J. Thaxton/J. Rutherford
“Girls are nuts.”
“They don’t have any, but they are.”
- J. Rutherford/ J. Thaxton
“Your ears look a lot like handlebars.” -J. Thaxton to R. Hayes
Personal Experience in College Living Says...
“F*** Cuba! Let them feed their own people, then they can come talk to me!” – K. Molder
(This was his resopnse to Cuba’s offer to help the U.S. sort out the Gore-Bush ballot problem.)
“Man, it’s hot in here!”
“Yeah, I’ve been hot for a while, but I thought it was just me.”
“Why didn’t you open the window, then?”
“Because I didn’t know if it WAS hot!”
“You’re ALONE. There wasn’t anyone else to tell you it wasn’t hot!”
<looks around> “Oh yeah”
- J. Rutherford/N. Pearson
“It’s not the weapon, it’s the demented mind that carries it.” - T. Purdom
“How can you just fart like that?!”
“An ass has no conscience”
- J. Rutherford/ T. Purdom
“Sweet Jesus, the motherload!” - Unknown Guy at the Urinal
<I held up a knife… it was a butter knife, I think.>
“You. Quiet. Now.
<holds up a rope>
“No.”
“You idiot. I would gut you before you had a chance!”
“With this rope, I can make this look like it’s your fault.”
- J. Rutherford/ T. Purdom
“I’m really sorry, Josh.”
“For what?”
“You won’t make it to the morning, my friend.”
“Why not?”
“Well, anyway, good night!”
- T. Purdom/J. Rutheford
“It’s sorta nice to be able to flex your stomach muscles and not worry about taking a dump in your pants.” - Unknown, totally random guy I overheard
“You are the afterbirth of a bastard rat.” - N. Pearson
“You’re gay.”
“Gay? I’ll show you gay! Thaxton, get out here and show King gay!”
- K. Molder/ J. Rutherford
“People come from miles around to hear the funny man speak. I am the funny man!” - R. Hayes
“She was different. I can see why people don’t think she is beautiful, but to me is she was. Well, she was cute. Eh, maybe she was a little hot. Okay, okay. Never mind. She’s gorgeous and everyone probably thinks so. I was just trying to make myself look deep.” - J. Rutherford
“Into the Abyss.” -T. Vertrees (on his way to an 8 AM calculus class.)
“Sleep well my friend, for tonight, you die.” -T. Purdom to J. Rutherford
“So, what would you do if, just hypothetically, Alyssa called me baby without any provocation from me?”
“If she ever calls you baby… I will kill you.”
“Glad to know where I stand with you. As if it would be MY fault.”
“Blame means nothing to a psychopath.”
- J.Rutherford/T. Purdom
Personal Experience with Teachers Says...
Personal Experience with Teachers Says…
(*Note: “J. Thompson was a journalism teacher. She discovered my little list and once, in a very serious voice, with a very sober look on her very sad face, upon which which everything- the tips of her eyes, the arch of her eyebrows, the corners of her mouth, the flesh of her neck- pointed down, she said, “I would really hate it if anyone ever saw this list.” I’m a teacher now, so I know what she means. I suspect she meant to add “until after you’ve graduated or I’ve retired.” If that’s not what she meant to add… whoops!)
Where two people had a conversation, the first speaker is listed, followed by the second (e.g. J. Doe/R. Doe). Also, unless otherwise noted, it can be presumed that all conversations follow a back-and-forth pattern. I feel like I should note this, because some of this stuff *I* didn’t say; I just happened to be there to be forever warped by hearing it.
“I did it before. I can’t do it now, but I did it before.” -M. Smith, teacher
“Think of all of the geniuses we may have lost.” -J. Dinsmore, teacher
“I know what it’s like. My older brother was in high school with me, so I got it everyday.” -J. Thompson, teacher
“I am going to say nasty things to you.” -C. Smithson, physics teacher
“You don’t want my brother to sit on you.”
“Must be a family thing- I don’t want you to sit on me either.”
- J. Thompson, teacher/J. Rutherford
(I received detention for that little comment.)
“DNA’ll do it every time, won’t it?” -J. Dinsmore, teacher
“They put questions on the test that they do not expect you to be able
to answer.”
“So, which questions were we actually expected to be able to answer?”
-M. Hazen, teacher/ M. Biter
“Do you remember the little midget? Wait, that’s redundantly repetitious… well, so is that, but anyway.” -J. Dinsmore, teacher
“What about problem #69?”
“No one has solved that one yet.”
“Did you just make a sex joke in the middle of Calculus?”
“Yes, I believe I did.”
“Guys, can we talk about sex later, and talk about Calculus now?” (M. Smith, teacher)
“That was the plan all along, Mrs. Smith.” (J. Thaxton)
-J. Rutherford/ J. Thaxton
“I would like for you to give me your stuff so that I can reproduce.”
-J. Thompson, teacher
(Note: She was referring to wanting notes we had taken from a conference. Unfortunately, this was in the days before “That’s what she said!”, so I think we lost something in that moment.)
“…and so we convert the centimeters to get 3 inches. Well THAT’S nothing to be proud of.” -Professor Ed Lisic, Tennessee Technological University
<<Student walks into class late, the Professor speaks up…>>
“Where have you been?”
“Saving the world.”
“From who?”
“My roommate.”
“Your roommate is a threat to the world?”
“Not anymore.”
“Why not?”
“I killed him.”
“And that made you late to class?”
“Have you ever brutally murdered a homicidal maniac and tried to hide the body?”
- Professor Fields/ Student Whose Name is Lost to Time
“Do you know where you are? Do you see a pool? Do you see waiters with trays and drinks with umbrellas? Am I wearing a bathing suit? Is anyone? Most importantly, does anyone look like they’re having a good time?”
“No.”
“That’s because we’re in school. This is not a resort hotel. So, no, you cannot go to the bathroom, and call your mother to come pick you up, and then go wait for her in the office.”
- J. Rutherford/Student in his Class